


Things Agents of Shield Are Not Allowed To Do

by ChangingbacktoBellamort500



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Coulson is Awesome, Crack, Fitz is awesome, Humor, Lola - Freeform, May is awesome, More annoying than Tony Stark, Mulan (1998) References, Philinda is awesome, Random - Freeform, Robotic Monkey, The Author Regrets Nothing, Thor is hot, Zombies, loki just needs a hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-03-19 03:12:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3594222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChangingbacktoBellamort500/pseuds/ChangingbacktoBellamort500
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the things Agents of Shield are not allowed to do but have and probably will continue to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Agents of Shield. 

 

1 No Agent is to claim they will die unless Coulson and May get together. 

2 Not allowed to prank call members of Hydra.

2a "I was bored" will not be accepted as a good reason. 

3 Calling the person who wants to kill you a "Moron who couldn't tie their own shoelaces" is not a smart thing to do.

4 Not allowed to call to yourself as "Agent of Awesome".

5 Never ask May to "Bust out your ninja moves and get me the hell out of here!"

6 Not allowed to blame Skye when it was you who spilt coffee on Coulson's Captain America T-shirt because he is less likely to get mad at her.

7 The best part of being an Agent of Shield is not the possibility you might get to meet Captain America or Thor because they are both really hot, its the protecting people that's the best thing.

8 Not allowed to declare Phil Coulson a god.

8a Because he doesn't want you to.

8b Because May will kick your butt if you say it non-stop.

9 Not allowed to help Fitz build a robotic monkey ever again. 

10 Why Shield never used its resources to find a cure for the common cold is something Coulson doesn't know, but really would like everyone to stop asking


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Agents of Shield.

 

11 The Playground is a top secret base it is not to be used to host a party for people you don't even know.

12 Not allowed to paint the Bus bright green. 

13 Tony Stark will not let you borrow his Iron man suit nor will he lend you money to put in a rocket and blast the money into space so stop sending him emails.

14 Nick Fury doesn't like it when you try to steal his eye patch.

15 Saying Loki is misunderstood and just needs a hug will make the following people want to hit you.

\- Phil Coulson  
\- Melinda May  
\- Nick Fury  
\- Maria Hill  
\- Tony Stark  
\- Bruce Banner  
\- Steve Rodgers  
\- Thor  
\- Natasha Romanoff  
\- Clint Barton  
\- Just everyone who isn't you or Loki

16 Never touch Lola because Coulson will get really pissy about it.


	3. Chapter 3

17 Fitz' sandwiches are his and no one, but him is to eat them.

18 Not allowed to get drunk and tell May "Tell me who or what hurt you in the past, I will hunt them down an make them suffer".

19 No locking Coulson and May in a cupboard to get them to admit their feelings for each other.

20 Spray painting the words Hydra Suck on buildings does nothing to actually defeat Hydra. 

21 "We are all most likely going to die horribly any second now" is not an inspiring speech. 

22 Coulson will let you have any pet you want as long as you call it Steve Rogers.

 

23 Skye is not allowed to help anyone break into anywhere that isn't approved by Coulson or May unless its a life or death situation or mission related. 

You wanting doughnuts does not count as any of the above. 

24 Simmons can do nothing about you having a cold so whining at her useless. 

25 When outnumbered in a fight always hide behind May because she's awesome and can protect you more than you will be able to protect yourself.


	4. Chapter 4

I Do Not Own Agents of Shield. 

 

26 Coulson doesn't know why nearly all alien technology found has the power to hurt and kill instead of doing something like making popcorn so please stop asking him.

27 You are not allowed to introduce yourselves as the following thing

"Agents of Who hell the knows anymore"

"Coulson Angels, "

"The Great Stone Dragon, "

"No times for introductions I'm just here to beat up bad guys"

 

28 You will not prank call any member of the Avengers. 

29 When asked "Why is there an alien monkey like creature trying to eat my Captain America comics?,"

The correct answers are "I don't know" or "The poor little thing must be hungry".

Not "Because a Hydra Agent ate my sandwich".

30 You will not take Lola for a joyride.


	5. Chapter 5

I still unfortunately do not own Agents of Shield. 

31 You will not create false emergency situations just to get Thor to come over.

31a. You will not tell Thor he has invisible alien blood on his clothes that is possibly deadly to him just to get him to take his clothes off.

31b You will stop contacting Thor altogether and explain to Coulson how you come to have contact information for Thor in the first place.

 

32 Do not say "The only reason you're upset is because May agrees that Thor is dreamy and was drooling over Thor just as much is me" to Coulson. 

Even if it's true.

33 Not allowed to try and use cookies to bribe government officials.

34 "Admit you love us really" is probably not the best thing to say to the Hydra agent trying to kill you.

35 You will not whine until May reads you a bedtime story.

35a Not allowed to dare someone in the first place to whine until May reads you a bedtime story.

35b How you actually managed to convince her to read you a story will probably forever remain a mystery.

36 Stop making bizarre threats to people who are trying to kill you 

Example: "When this over I'm going to break into your house and draw smiley faces on the walls".

This does nothing to scare the person and makes them want to kill you even more.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Agents of Shield. 

 

37 You will not pout because you're not allowed to build a robotic dragon.

38 Not allowed to punch people because you think they're looking at Fitz funny and he's totally awesome so they deserve to be punched. 

39 The question "Why can't we ever just meet anybody who wants to give everyone candy and cookies instead of being power hungry psycho's" is a very good question. 

40 " I only came with the idea, planned everything out and made Jemma help me so I fail to see how this is my fault?" Is not the correct or smart thing to say to an annoyed Melinda May.

41 The moon is not made of cheese and yes, that can be proved.

42 Shouting "Kiss" every time Coulson and May walk in the room will annoy them.

43 Telling a member of Hydra "The only reason I joined Shield was to destroy members of Hydra" is not a wise thing to say.

44 Not allowed to cheer on May on while she's beating up the bad guy.

\- She appreciates it even though she won't admit, but it alerts more bad guys to our presence. 

45 If you see blue alien goo do not touch it and do not throw it at other people.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Agents of Shield. 

 

46 Not allowed to punch someone because they interrupted what could have been a beautiful Philinda moment. 

47 May does not appreciate being woken up because there is a spider in your room and you hate spiders. 

\- Same goes for moths

\- Having a dream about clowns  
\-   
\- Being bored  
\-   
\- Just don't wake May up unless its an emergency or it somehow involves Coulson. 

 

48 Not allowed to beg Coulson to pretend to be a Zombie to scare the people who still think he is dead.

49 Whining "I wanted to kill more bad guys" is not the response people want when they have traveled half way around the world to rescue you.

50 Telling May "Instead of training this morning I pretended to be a dragon because you weren't here and Coulson was busy doing paperback even though you asked him to supervise my training while you weren't here" is why Coulson will spend 3 days glaring at you because May keeps glaring at him.

51 You will be banned from having anything with Caffeine in if you act like a hyper child.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Agents of Shield. 

 

52 The solution to everything is not screaming, get May to beat someone up and then eat ice cream. 

\- Okay sometimes it is.

53 Not allowed to do anything that requires Coulson having to pay off the Mafia to get you out trouble.

54 Coulson will bring up the "Mafia Incident" all the time.

55 Stealing the Bus because you were bored and Fitz was working and wouldn't watch Doctor Who with you is a big no-no.

56 Stop playing Matchmaker. 

57 Nick Fury will not tell you all of his secrets in exchange for a puppy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my story Agents of Awesome where rules no 9, 1 & 48 pt 1 one shots have been written.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Agents of Shield. 

 

58 Being told you are more annoying than Tony Stark isn't meant as a compliment even if you take it as one.  
59 Hydra are not to blame for you throwing your vegetables at Coulson.

60 Nick Fury does not find it amusing when you call him "Nicky" or "Furious Fury".

61 Whining "Skye stole my candy" when they are more pressing matters such as 50 Hydra agents trying to kill you will make people want to hurt you.

62 May will ban you from watching anything with Zombies in if you start handing out leaflets on what do when the Zombies rise.

\- She will know that you watched a Zombie movie even though she banned you from doing so.

\- Because Coulson will tell her

\- Because he's mean

\- He's not mean he's awesome again once he buys you an ice cream and killed a bad guy for you. 

63 You will be asked to explain why you are wearing a Loki mask.

64 The best way to convince Hydra agents that you're not shield agents when you are out in the open among civilians is to do something so ridiculously stupid they'll think shield would never work with an idiot like that.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own AoS or the Avengers. 

 

65 Not allowed to stalk the Avengers.

-Because it creeps most of them out and makes them want to hit you.

-Apart from Tony it inflated his already giant ego. 

66 Not allowed to use Shield resources to pay back everyone who was mean to you growing up.

67 Not allowed to install a vodka fountain at the playground.

68 Not allowed to get Bruce angry just so he becomes the Hulk and gives you the perfect opportunity to smash things.

\- Just because Tony thinks its funny doesn't mean it is.

\- If Tony continues to be a bad influence on you then you'll be forbidden from having any contact with him.

69 Why Coulson has mini Avengers action figures is none of your business. 

\- Don't ever borrow them without asking.

\- Never threaten to destroy his Captain America action figure unless you can rebuild a robotic monkey because it will end badly, very badly. 

 

70 You cannot go on strike.

71 When asked "Why is Tony Stark here and naked?" the best reply is the truth that you were playing strip poker not "Tony isn't here, you're going crazy dude".

72 No starting a food fight. 

73 Using the argument "If I was a member of Hydra I'd be allowed a Dragon" will convince no one to create you a mythical creature.

74 Its not impressive you can burp the alphabet. 

75 You're not Loki love child so stop claiming you are.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Do Not Own Agents of Shield and that makes me feel sad.

76 No one believes a thousand balloons filled with mustard and mayo will be needed to save the world until it's actually needed.

77 Not allowed to create a deaging serum.

-No putting the serum into people's drinks.

\- Stop deaging people.

-Yes the people you used it on were adorable as children, but when they're back to adults they will hurt you.

78 If you don't know what something does don't touch it.

79 Coulson is and will forever remain awesome anyone who doubts that is either evil or an idiot. 

80 You cannot get the Avengers to help you plan to get Coulson and May together. 

\- Operation Lets Make Philinda Happen is not to be planned while you're supposed to be working. 

81 If you whine enough you will be able to convince everyone to watch doctor who with you.

\- Fitz and Simmons will agree to watch Dr Who with you right away.


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own AoS or Thor.

82 You will not tell Coulson the reason you follow every instruction May gives you is because she scares you more than he does.

83 Yelling "I'm running away to live on the moon" will be the reason why you're treated like a child and will no longer be able to do anything awesome until you prove you can act like an adult. 

\- Pretending you're a tiger does not prove you can act like an adult

\- Nor does threatening to tell Thor about this.

-Thor doesn't care.

84 Diving onto the floor, grabbing hold of Thor's ankle and screaming "After everything I've done for you how can you not care about my problem" is a bad idea.

85 The world isn't going to end if you don't have marshmallows with your hot chocolate. 

86 You will not make everyone watch Mulan non stop.

-Even if it a really awesome film.

87 Not allowed to talk in riddles for a week.

88 Nick Fury did not break into the playground and spray paint the words "The Easter Bunny Is Out to Get Me!"


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Do Not Own Agents of Shield

89 You will not give people really stupid codenames.

90 Saying "You can't prove a thing" after everyone has just watched video evidence of you putting glitter all over Coulson office is just stupid. 

91 You're never going to win a staring contest against May.

92 You will not give random people a dose of reality because they don't want it nor did they ask for it.

93 Annoying people is not accepted as a hobby.

94 Never threaten May with "I'll tell your mother" because this will only ever end with you in pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggestions for rules are always welcomed and also which ones to use forAgents of Awesome.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I Still Don't own AoS or the Avengers.

95 Refusing to do anything until people acknowledge that your imaginary friend has feelings is banned. 

96 You will not write fanfiction about members of Shield, the Avengers or very disturbing stories about members of Hydra. 

 

-Things were read that can never be unread or forgotten, trust me several people have tried to erase it from their minds. 

 

97 You will not make up words.

98 Just because you claim to be a ninja it doesn't make it true.

99 Stop selling items that belong to the Avengers and saying "But I'm doing it fund shield"

100 Coulson is director of Shield, Coulson is brilliant and he always be no matter some people say.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer I Do Not Own AoS.

101 If you see someone smashing the car of their lying cheating boyfriend or girlfriend's car you are not to help them smash. 

102 Offending at least one person from every country is not a positive life goal.

103 All the worlds problems wouldn't be solved if you were made ruler of the world.

104 Don't ever get in a prank war with May.

105 No one wants to know why you and Tony Stark was wearing a Loki mask an dressed up in pink dresses even they do Coulson has strictly forbidden you from talking about it ever.


	16. Chapter 16

I Do Not Own AoS

 

106 Wasting shield money to build a statue of a giant duck is frowned upon.

107 Not allowed to have food fights.

108 Not allowed to flood the Playground and fill it with goldfish.

109 We don't a "This Many Days Since Someone Tried to Kill Us" sign.

110 Stop saying "You're really mean" every time someone stops you doing something incredibly stupid. 

\- Yes getting into a drinking contest with Thor is stupid.


	17. Chapter 17

I do not own anything Marvel.

111 Stop saying "Just admit it, I'm your favourite" too Coulson.

112 Not allowed to replace anyone weapons with bananas.

113 Not allowed to whine that Couslon will do anything for Skye yet he won't help you become ruler of the world. 

114 Not allowed to beg Thor to send Andrew Garner to Asgard because he's getting in the way of Philinda.

115 No reading from the very gruesome list of things you plan to do to Grant Ward while people are eating.

116 The reason why we never do anything fun is because every time we try things turn to chaos.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I Do Not own AoS

117 Not allowed to paint the Bus orange.

\- No painting the Bus at all.

118 "I'm drunk right now could you come back later" will not make the person trying to kill you come back later.

 

119 There is a time and a place to discuss the many, many issues you have but not while you're being shot at.

120 Not allowed to make any shield base look like Hogwarts.

121 You cannot swap the Bus for a sandwich.

122 Coulson will demand an explanation for why an angry mob is chasing you and screaming something about cheese.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing

123 Always remember May knows how to make your death look like an accident. 

124 Not allowed to bring up how many times shield, its associates or shield or its associates technology has almost caused the end of the world over years.

 

125 If you walk into a room find two dead bodies, three clowns gagged, Nick Fury, Coulson and May arguing just walk away.

-Actually don't walk away, run away as fast as you can and don't ask questions. 

126 No telling a panicked civilian "We are all probably going to die but the good news I won't be alive to explain why we are this situation in the first place".

 

127 Not allowed to take bets on who can make May want to hurt them first.

 

128 You can't sue Fitz because he was to busy to watch Doctor who with you.

 

-You can't sue Coulson because he won't he let use shield funds to build a ice cream mountain. 

\- No suing anyone. .

129 Not allowed to ignore the previous 128 rules.

 

130 No screaming Captain America sucks just to get Coulson's attention.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Aos

131 Coulson would prefer to greeted with "Hello" or "Hi" not "I may have unleashed something that is cable of destroying mankind".

\- That fact you only said because you were bored and wanted to see what would happen will result in a three hour lecture.

\- Setting fire to things to distract the person lecturing you is frowned upon.  
132 Not allowed to hand May a paperclip, a piece of gum and a banana peel an say "Make a weapon out of these"

-Because she can and will.

 

133 Skye won't use her powers to cause a distraction so you can run from a very angry Phil Coulson.

\- Screaming "Daddy's Girl" at Skye will not make change her mind.

-However May will help you hide until he calms down.

\- Simmons will bring you snacks.

\- Fitz will keep you company until it is safe to come out of hiding. 

134 You cannot do anything that will require a whole town having to be bribed to keep quiet.


	21. Chapter 21

135 Never again can Coulson force any shield agent to go on a team bonding trip.

\- The whole thing was doomed to fail from the start 

136 There will be alot questions when it rains custard in every capital city of every country. 

137 You will not write a list of thousand ways to annoy members of Hydra and send to everyone you know.

138 You cannot waste shield money on trying to figure why everyone you are related to has to act like childish difficult jerks 95% of the time.

139 You will not get into a argument with Coulson over who is a bigger Captain America fan you or him.


	22. Chapter 22

140 It shouldn't need saying but just because you're having a bad day it doesn't mean you can try and destroy the planet.

141 Not allowed to suggest that shield always seems to make a problem worse before they make it better.

 

142 Not allowed to play Bad Blood by Taylor Swift nonstop. 

143 Anything that involves you getting banned from a country, blue hats and a drunk Coulson is forbidden. 

 

144 You can't hit people just because they don't agree you are funny.

145 There is a time and place to confess that you swap a shield base for spoon when you are being shot at isn't one of them.

\- But when the situation is over you will be in so much trouble.


	23. Chapter 23

146 You cannot ditch training to play Call of Duty. (This belongs to Rayraythecrazy)

147 You will not scream "REVENGE" at random people just to see what happens.

148 Not allowed to tell Coulson or May completely ridiculous lies because they never believe them and its completely wrong to lie to them.

149 Not allowed to blame Hunter for things you have done unless the thing you did was his idea.

150 Bobbi will tell May when you almost cause a war over cookies. 

\- May will tell Coulson about it 

\- Coulson will shout at you 

\- You'll scream something ridiculous like "I WANT MY PET TURTLE BACK".

\- Hunter will laugh

\- Skye will laugh 

\- May will switch to Mama May mode and tell you not to shout.

\- Jemma will lie and say that you have been infected by a alien virus that makes you do stupid things 

\- Bobbi will tell Mack and Fitz what you did while they busy clearing up your previous mess that involved a robotic Kangaroos


	24. Chapter 24

151 Not allowed to own fire breathing flying turtles 

\- Please remove them from all bases   
152 Not allowed to upload videos of drunk Hunter doing embarrassing things on YouTube. 

153 Hunter is not allowed to drink alcohol. 

\- Hunter will break this rule all the time.

154 Not allowed to blackmail or scare Hunter.

155 Not allowed to say "Thats it no one is allowed to leave to go on missions anymore because I'm sick of people trying to kill us" after the millionth time of nearly everyone getting killed.


	25. Chapter 25

156 Not allowed to "borrow" alien technology so you can create a "baby ultron" of your own.

157 Not allowed to blame Fitz for the Kangaroo incident 

158 Not allowed to paint May's bedroom different shades of pink then add glitter, sequins and other sparkly stuff. 

\- No decorating it with Barbie Dolls, Care Bears or any random posters you can find. 

\- Not allowed to frame Hunter for the whole thing.

159 Not allowed blare out the most annoying songs ever on repeat until making Skye and Fitz spend hours trying to make it stop.

160 Never plot to get rid of Andrew because he is in the way Philinda anyway that May might possibly over hear you.


	26. Chapter 26

161 You can't frame Skye for things you did.

162 You cannot frame Bobbi for things you did then blackmail her into saying she did it.

163 Not allowed to read Bobbi's Diary

164 Not allowed to scream "I'M GOING TO LIVE WITH MUM!" at Coulson. 

165 Tony Stark is not the head of shield he cannot order you to anything. 

166 You will not traumatize new shield recruits.

167 If you find an alien object don't touch it, don't throw at people and definitely don't swap it for a pizza.

168 Nick Fury does not appreciate you almost getting him killed.


	27. Chapter 27

169 Nick Fury does not have a pet cat called Bubbles and the cat he doesn't have is not stalking you.

170 When asked who you put down as an Emergency contact incase something happens to you, you will not reply with 

\- "Loki"

\- "Yoda"

\- Nick Fury's Non existing cat Bubbles"

\- "Any known members of Hydra"

\- "An half eaten apple" 

171 You will act like an adult and take things seriously.

172 Food is for eating it not for throwing at people or building forts with, even if it is impressive that you built a pretty awesome fort out of oranges and apples.


End file.
